In the Sanctuary in Oakland with my main men Big Scott and Johnny Frizzle. Today we tore the house up to try and find my passport. We all had different vague recollections of having stowed it away somewhere in the house, but it turns out I left it at a completely different sanctuary up north a bit. My mind is playing tricks on me.
I find myself feeling quite sad about a homie of mine, real old school. We had big issues earlier this year. He stabbed me in the back for a string of flimsy reasons and my crew made moves to reconcile the whole thing and it ended up that we met again and forgave each other. I suppose i had to forgive a lot more than he did. My brothers came through for me and no real damage was done to me. But now my old school homie is floating about and none of my crew wants anything really to do with him — because he stabbed me, but also because he is a wild card. Leaves me in a weird space. I feel responsible and sad. Responsible because I made my brothers deal with this shit and sad because the shit involved an old school brother. I had hoped to merge crews and see a unification of minds. But in the end i stand alone at the bridge and I got to turn my way and do my thing. So thats that.
I had a dream last night that left me shaken. I went into a brothel to visit a girl I knew. She was in love with me and treated my visits like bright shining lights of hope in her sordid life of Johns and Pimps and otherwise bad men. In my dream, I took advantage of her love just so I could get some. We had sex and she told me it wasn’t about my dick, that it went so much deeper than that. Her sadness was the old stale sorrow of a love and a life almost snuffed. I observed and catalogued this face of hers, just because it was a human experience i knew i could recall and perhaps insert into a story of mine. Three black men came into the brothel and demanded her. They wanted to inflict physical pain on this defenseless woman and at first I tried to defend her. But this was one of those dreams in which my blows glanced harmlessly off of them and they laughed at me and threw me aside.
This is where it gets brutal and horrifying. So don’t read any more if you don’t want to hear what really happens in brothels like these.
They took a stick and started shoving it in her anus, slamming it and jerking it and breaking it off. She started screaming in pain. I heard the screams and they were so real, so raw, so dumb and drunk with pain that it no longer was a dream, but a dimension in which Sascha the man in this world was awake and subjected to his own cowardice and his own complicity in the act. She screamed and i ran out of the brothel and i felt the stick in my chest and the screams became my own and they said
this shit really happens this shit really happens this shit really happens
to women all over the world.
I read once about a prostitute in China who had been murdered by some pimp, He killed her by ramming a toothbrush up her nose. Once, as a courier for a travel agency in Frankfurt, I delivered tickets and cash to a brothel and saw a big German beat a little Thai woman because she didn’t want to work anymore. I once saw a young prostitute in China shed one big tear and whisper just inside of ear shot that she didn’t want to lead this life.
Wo bu yao zhezhong shenghuo. I dont want this life.
This shit really happens.
2 thoughts on “This shit really happens”
so much i'd like to say but really in the end only frustration, disappointment, and sadness prevail… In end it feels like ego and interpretation are getting in the way of any true reconciliation. I will always be your brother, but sometimes brothers got issues I thought we were back to defending and respecting one another even when others are involved, but this doesn't seem to be the case. I love you and wish nothing but the best for you and yours especially the young child coming into the world but i won't be degraded and undefended by those who have no right to pass judgment.
A Wild Card
Time was when a man's friendships where set in a code of stone. An old code of conduct developed and cultured from a place of tribal survival, a place of power. This code took tribe beyond friendship, it was a unifying affirmation of the strength and importance of having family members in a harsh environment where people go under all too easily. When those who have walked with friends who have become family, see one fall they fight. We used to say "I'd take a bullet for you." this was the extreme.
But to stand side by side in combat with your brothers and shed blood with the possibility of death is a great thing. It is here that violence transcends into love, friends into brothers.
I just wanted a good reason. Belive me I've gone through it with ol' boy too, in a very real way, but to betray your friend at a time of need, to have him alter his life with a hook up and to snatch it away from him after he took your word and bought a ticket, with no other path but luck to hope for. Then to jump on the band wagon. Just a solid reason. Or it looks like you fucked your friend during a transition point where he needed all the support he could get.
Because that's what it looked like to me when we broke bread. And that looks wild card as fuck.